Dedicated Just For You

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It was a cool Saturday morning after the morning rain. Mom was awake while the youngest sister (A) was still asleep and the other sis (H) was out for work. I was at the sofa watching the television while munching on my cracker and talking to mom about the wedding preparation, when a text came in. It was from my bro cousin. It was an emergency text which said that she was in bad condition and that we need to come down to CGH right away. Informed mom immediately, my sis A was half awake upon hearing the news. Mom called sis H but to no avail, i text her was hoping to get a reply. We rushed ourselves to the washroom to freshen up.

As i was showering thoughts kept playing in my mind, about what i was gonna share with her, about the wedding plans, motivations and all. Old memories kept playing my mind, it was a disturbing shower. Dried myself up, open the toilet door and i heard cries. My heart sank but i didn’t want to think anything yet, sis A came to me and from the end of the kitchen she told me “she’s gone…..”, i heard mom’s loud cry, i didn’t know how to react or what i should do. I hugged mom and told her to be strong but i failed and broke down to tears. My mind was in a mess, those words from my sis, was it for real? Am i just hearing shit? No, i wasn’t. Everyone in the room was crying. Every emotion shattered.

Called my cousin and she was crying so badly that her voice was breaking up, she told me to informed my uncle and the rest and she needed to get her kids ready. Called my sister H, i told her of that news, she was silent, that eerie silent that i have not heard before. I told her to get off work and meet us at our aunt’s place instead of the hospital. Called my uncle but to no avail. Called my fiance, broke the news to him and i broke down again. I couldn’t help myself but to cry. He told me that he will come over and meet me soon.

Got ourselves ready and got out of the house, i tried to hide the sadness and not pull the long sad face in public till we reached aunt’s place.

Upon reaching, i greeted everyone with a salam and all i saw was faces dampened with tears. Sis H met us at aunt’s place and i started talking to cousin in order to find out the cause of death. We joked around to get that small amount of sadness away from our heart. All of us were waiting for her arrival with a heavy heart. We started talking about the good times, how she would smile and how adorable she will look when we made her do silly stuffs.

I saw my cousins looking out the kitchen window and i wondered to myself, is she here? Took a look and there i saw, most of the guys are down there helping each other to carry her out of the van and up to the third level. She came in and they placed her in the room. That was when i first saw her lying down so calmly and looking so pale. The room was tensed and full of cries. Some of them started kissing her and crying. I kissed her as i thought i would never have another chance to kiss her ever, i told myself not to cry before kissing her and to recite some phrases from the Qur’an to her but i failed tremendously. After kissing her without any recitations i immediately broke down. She was so cold, i have never felt her that cold before. 😥

They took her out once the table was ready for us to bathe her. My aunties didn’t want too many of us to be in the kitchen so they told us to stay outside. I was too weak to even say that i wanted to see how the process of bathing her was.

I was lucky i guess as some of my cousins and i got selected to see how my aunt and my mom bathed her. I stood behind my mom and got a clear view of her. They got busy bathing her, there were too many emotions in the kitchen itself. My aunt broke down and she got so weak to stand. It was my first time seeing her breaking down like that.

That was the first time i saw how people mandi kan jenazah, it was a melancholy moment for all us. Once she was all cleaned up, they performed the ablution and she was ready to get herself “warm and cozy”. Sigh….

She was placed in the living room and her sons and daughters got to kiss her for the very last time. We, her grandchildren got the chance too. How i wanted her to get up and scold me for not doing my stuffs and keeping the house clean. How i wish she would just get up. Kissed her and recited the Al-Fatihah for her and that is how i said goodbye to her in this Dunya.

It was my first time performing the solat jenazah. It was so quick and my mind was still far away, i wanted to give all my Do’a to her. Once we were done, she was taken to the van along with my uncles.. We got in the bus and proceeded to Pusara Aman. There we a lot, a lot of graves.. I watched her being sent down seven feet away from us, saw her for the very last time in there. All i could do was say, goodbye nenek, we will always love you.

No matter how much you used to scold me, i know that deep down inside you love me, and no matter how much i want you to be there on my big day. All i can do now is to pray and give the best Do’a for you. You are now under his care nenek and i pray that you will be placed in the highest of the seven heavens.

I love you nenek and i will always love you. 

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12 thoughts on “Dedicated Just For You

  1. Hello dear..
    salam…takziah to you and family.
    I miss my nenek too..she pass on last 2 years. Sad that she wont see me getting married..
    Take care awak. Be strong. 🙂

    1. Hello babe.. thank you. Haizz.. can’t be helped. It is time for her to go. No matter what we had planned, Allah knows best. 😥
      U take care too. I will be strong. Thank you again. ♡

  2. Salam takziah to u and family dear. your post brought back memories of my late atuk who have passed on yearsss ago. be strong and stay strong, she’s watching over you ❤

    1. thank you dear. i will try to be strong and i know that she is in a better place now. sorry if i brought you back to any state of sadness. 😦

  3. Salam Takziah dear.. Reminded me on how I lost my Grandma last year. It’s not easy but no matter how much we love a person, God loves them more. Take care and be strong!

    1. thank you dear. yup, he loves them more… thank you again and insya Allah I will be strong.

      it’s just sad that she won’t be there for raya and my day. 😦

  4. Just read this post dear darling. I am sure she’s in heaven right now, and though it will be sad that she will not be there on your big day, I am sure she will be watching it over in heaven. His plans are always the best for us, even when it is hard to believe it. Take care love. You know where to find me XO.

    1. Awww… super sorry for the late reply, hopefully she is placed in the highest of heavens. Thank you for your doa dear. Means a lot to me. 🙂 alhamdulillah I am better now. ♡

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